This is a picture of myself. I have my eyes closed for a moment, and my head is turned away as I pull my hair back. What isn't immediately visible is me applying foundation on my skin. However, discoloration of the face indicates my actions at the time. In the foreground is my old Army uniform. My face looking away reflects the occasional sense of insecurity concerning my own features. Further, I am looking down rather that away. Looking away from my arms which are larger as a result of 8 years of physical training at a near backbreaking intensity. While it may be in the foreground, the Army Uniform is blurred out. That is because even though it was a recent event, it no longer is my entire life. One chapter, the Army chapter, has closed, and my new one both in full acceptance of myself and in my new college life, has begun. Thus, the me that is now in college ,which is signified by the AACC shirt I am wearing, is now in focus as the one which displays my achievements signified by the amount of ribbons and the Humanitarian Service ribbon I earned from my efforts in the clean up following the 2011 Earthquake and Tsunami, is now out of focus.
The reason I am applying foundation is because as a transgendered person, I have two things working against me. I am trying to Make myself loo more feminine. As a result, I become more self critical while examining my work. Every little thing has to be just right otherwise whatever look I am going for ends up hollow entirely. I, then, exhibit the characteristics described in beauty is a beast. By seeing myself in the mirror, I understand that I must overcome the facts of my anatomy, which makes me more sullen but also motivates me to work harder at what it is I am doing. Even if it is just trying to pass without being read. However, in the long term, if I do not watch myself and re-enforce my better senses, I can easily become trapped in the cycle of lowering self worth and self doubt.
There is another dynamic at play as well. Despite how I identify, to many who are unaware, I am simply an atypical man. Which means that any deviance from the gender scripts that I display, earns a lower opinion of myself. In balancing the uniform and myself, the message should be that I am but an accumulation of my knowledge and experience. The reality is, that despite my achievements, I still deviate from a gender script, which means that everything I have done until the present is meaningless. I may have been a good soldier, a brilliant analyst, and a great leader according to my peers from the Army. However, I still deviate, and in deviating, I am only that representation in their mind. Thus, the uniforms blurriness also signifies that whatever good I have done, is outweighed in some peoples minds by their perception of me. In refusing to acknowledge service, they essentially communicate that it is their own bias that dictates their perception.
The bright side of this aspect is that despite all of this, I would rather be true to myself and accept who I am rather than allow the pre-conceived notions of others dictate how I live my life. In making this call, I drop a number of defenses I have erected to keep myself safe by acknowledging my self. Hence my title: "Unguarded."
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